Forgiveness

Full Transparency

Before we get started, I want to be clear: I don’t have all the answers when it comes to forgiveness—what we should feel, how long guilt or shame should last after God forgives us, or even how to let go fully. All I know is that we are called to forgive and to ask for forgiveness.

I’ve struggled—and still struggle—with forgiveness. I want to let go, but I’m not always sure how. How do you forgive someone who never takes accountability or asks for forgiveness? Should that even be a prerequisite? I honestly don’t know.

So, what follows is less of a definitive answer and more of a Scripturally-grounded brainstorming session. If and when I grow in this area and receive more wisdom from God, I’ll be happy to share a Part 2. With that said, here we go.

When You’ve Been Hurt

Forgiveness is something many of us wrestle with. When you’ve been deeply hurt—especially by someone you loved and trusted—offering forgiveness can feel nearly impossible. As believers, we know we’re called to forgive as we have been forgiven, but man, that’s hard.

When You’ve Hurt Someone Else

On the flip side, when you’ve caused deep pain to someone you love, forgiving yourself can be just as difficult. And it becomes even harder when the person you hurt struggles to forgive you in return.

When You Keep Repeating the Offense

If you've committed the same sin or mistake over and over, it can be difficult to believe that God will forgive you—again. You may even question whether He ever truly forgave you the first time or if you were ever sincere in your repentance.

When the Offender Justifies the Offense

It can be even harder when the person who hurt you justifies their actions. Maybe they claim they were “just being honest,” “speaking their mind,” or “reacting in anger.” Attempts to justify or excuse the offense often makes the offense worse. Reconciliation becomes more difficult when the offended feels unheard and invalidated.

Forgiveness Can Be Tricky

I’ve had moments where I thought I had forgiven someone. Things seemed fine on the surface—we were getting along. But the moment something reminded me of the original hurt, all the emotions came flooding back. So, did I truly forgive? Does God expect us to forgive and forget?

There were times I asked God to erase the memory entirely just so I wouldn’t be “triggered”. But He didn’t. And maybe that’s not even His responsibility. What, then, does true forgiveness actually look and feel like?

What Is Forgiveness?

Forgiveness is the act of releasing resentment or anger toward someone who has wronged you. It means letting go of the grudge and choosing not to seek revenge. It transforms negative feelings into more positive ones—like compassion or peace.

By that definition, I know I’ve forgiven. Scripture says in Romans 12:18:

“If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.”

That’s my heart. I long to be at peace with my family, my community, and even strangers. I hate conflict and tension. I don’t always succeed at maintaining peace with others, but I try. I believe many of you do too. Who really enjoys living in conflict with others?

So, if forgiveness is what it takes to restore peace between myself and someone else, then I choose to forgive. But I think there's an important caveat we often overlook.

R + R + F = R

There is no excuse for sin. God is holy and cannot tolerate it—even the "little sins" we often excuse. Throughout Scripture, God points out sin and rebukes it. That’s the first “R” in the equation.

Rebuke means being shown where we are wrong and being lovingly directed toward what is right. It involves both correction and guidance toward a better path.

Romans 6:23 reminds us:

“For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Jesus’ sacrifice made forgiveness possible, but that doesn’t mean forgiveness is automatic. Scripture calls us to repent—the second “R.”

1 John 1:9:

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

Acts 3:19:

“Repent therefore and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, so that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord,””

2 Chronicles 7:14:

"If my people, who are called by My name, will humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land."

After repentance, we receive forgiveness—the "F" in the equation.
Rebuke + Repentance + Forgiveness = Reconciliation.

When we add Rebuke with Repentance and Forgiveness, then we get Reconciliation. Our relationship with God is restored.

The Often-Overlooked Caveat

If God requires action (repentance) before offering forgiveness, should we expect the same from those who wrong us? Should repentance be a prerequisite for reconciliation?

Luke 17:3–4 says:

“If your brother or sister sins, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. Even if they sin against you seven times in the day and seven times come back to you saying 'I repent,' you must forgive them.””

Matthew 18:15:

“Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.”

Both passages suggest that forgiveness between people also involves accountability and repentance. Forgiveness without repentance may relieve personal bitterness, but reconciliation still requires mutual effort.

Revisiting the Rebuke

Let’s remember: rebuke must be done in love. Without love, it easily becomes an attack. The offended shouldn’t harshly confront and then expect a soft-hearted response.

When the Offender Can’t Be Reached

There will be times when the offender is unreachable. In those moments, rebuke and reconciliation might not be possible—but forgiveness still can be, with God’s help.

Consider these verses:

1 Peter 5:7

“Cast all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.”

Psalm 55:22

“Cast your burden on the Lord, and He shall sustain you He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.”

Philippians 4:6–7

“6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

Even when others aren't available or willing to reconcile, God invites us to cast our burdens on Him and seek His peace.

When Reconciliation Isn’t Possible

Sometimes, the relationship won’t go back to how it was—and that’s okay. Romans 8:28 reminds us:

“All things work together for good to those who love God…”

As long as forgiveness has been offered or received—whether mutual or one-sided—we can move forward in peace with God’s help.

Final Thoughts

True forgiveness between people often involves three parties: the offender, the offended, and God.

The offender should not expect forgiveness without accountability. The offended should not carry the burden of offering forgiveness without repentance. But with God’s help, both can take steps toward healing—even when the other person doesn’t.

Thankfully, God isn’t like us. He is always ready to forgive when we repent. If you ever feel like God can’t or won’t forgive you, remember: that’s a lie from the enemy. God’s mercy does not run out.

“May the Lord bless you and keep you, May He shine His face upon you and be gracious to you.”